After graduation, Into the blue

Today, I can write the worst lines because that is how I feel about myself. Well, not my whole but a good significant part.

I dread the nature of my work.

I thought that at the moment I start earning, I can ignore the description of whatever I do for a living. (Not that my work is something illegal) But I was wrong. I thought that movie lines on hating work was only applicable on big screens, I never understood those lines until now.

One’s work is one’s character, I now learned. And it is important to love your job not because we try to be ideal or optimistic but because it is our lifeline; more than financial, it is our emotional and mental lifeline.

The “real world” that they told us back in the university is more like Wonderland and we, the fresh graduates, are Alices. The reality is so real that my consciousness rejects it.

Working just to earn is like dating a guy for the wrong reasons; dating for his cash, car, and charm sounds so cool but at the end of the day when I lay down on my bed, the silence creeps in and it makes me hear within. There, I hear breaking, not of bones but of beliefs and suddenly, I realized that in me is an empty hole that needs filling and the worst part? I don’t know how to fill it. Because the university had no syllabus for this kind of shit.

I don’t even know if this emptiness has a rim. Am I going to quit and find a different path? What  if something great is bound to happen if I hold on? What if holding on means letting go of my ideals and morals? And as I lose my ideals, I lose my self.

It is at this moment that I wish I could turn back time and stay in college a little longer to try to figure out a concrete plan on how handle this deep drama on metamorphosis of being an adult.

Seeing with Eyes Closed

I took a bus ride on my way home.

Saturdays mean an early exit from work and being able to catch the sunset, the setting rays filled the road, the bus, and my thoughts.

I loved that moment when the sun is about to set, about to die, as if fighting for his last breath in the world and screaming his last words to anyone listening. Or maybe he is trying his best to extend his warm (emb)rays to reach beyond reality that it can never be with his one true love, Luna the moon. Or maybe it is simply just a sunset.

There on the bus, I closed my eyes as I titled my head towards the window to feel more of the setting sun. It is then that I realized, some beauty in the world requires closed eyes in order to be appreciated. We cannot directly look at the sun with eyes wide-open but we can witness its beauty if we close our eyes. Try.

Sometimes, we need absence to feel/fill another presence.

So maybe, that one person who left us broken was given by the universe to take away a part of us in order to make space for the piece/peace that is about to come. (P.S. Be advised that pieces/peaces do not always take the shape of a human being. They also take the irregular shapes of career, self-realization, virtues, and more.)

There is always a bright side. Maybe, we just need to close our eyes so we will be able to see it.